Suicide
by Anaya of Wolves
Summary: COMPLETE. TFA. What if he couldn't deal with the pain anymore? What if he just wanted to end it all? Would anyone care if he was gone? And then there was the nightmares. Warnings: Morbid thoughts, actions, angst. Slight Slash! Bumblebee x Blurr
1. Suicide

Well…this here is another idea given to me by **Invader Kathy Starsky**. The prompt was 'After 'Cons accidentally hurts Bee emotionally, Bee tries to commit suicide but is stopped by Blurr who confesses his feelings for Bee.' Originally, it had been Prowl who hurt him…but I don't like it when good guys hurt other good guys..so I went with 'Cons…the bad guys. Also, the song "Tourniquet" bite me and demanded to be put in here. I gave in.  
WARNING! MORBID THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS! SLIGHT SLASH!  
Also…listen to the song mention in the disclaimer and in the fanfic.!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Transformers…or _**"Tourniquet"**_…that is owned by Evanescence…_

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_

He remembered the pain. He remembered the energon that stained the ground. And he wanted it to all go away. The memories attacked him relentlessly. Plaguing his sleep, and even his awakefulness. They wouldn't leave him alone.

He curled more up on the berth, trying to shrink away from the world. The world that had caused him the pain. The world that had been so cruel it him. The world that had not cared. Then the memories were floating like ghost in his processor.

The words. The pain. The torture.

He began to cry, shuttering his optics once the first tear ran hot down his cheekplate. The jeers had started when he had begun to cry back in the dark hell. He had been rescue…or so they had all thought. A glint of a steel blade lay a few inches away. It was clean…now.

A whimper escaped his vocalizer as the words and torture came back. He wanted it all to go away. He wanted someone to be here. He wanted it all to end.

Why had this happened to him? Why did he have to go through the pain? Why couldn't it just end?

He shuttered his optics back on and looked over at the steel blade. A second passed before he reached for it. His mind was acting on its own. It wanted the pain and torture to go away. It would do anything to get the pain to leave. He allowed it, not knowing better. The pain would end shortly, it thought. Very shortly.

_I tried to kill the pain  
but only brought more  
so much more  
I lay dying  
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am I too lost to be saved  
am I too lost?_

His high-pitched wail of absolute pain echoed in the dark cavern. It fell on the deaf audio-receptors of his captures. They laughed at him. Calling him names and beating him.

Weak. Stupid. Worthless. Useless. Foolish. Utter incompetent. Pitiful waste of a Spark.

More can. Each one worst than the last. And that wasn't even the half of it.

His pedes were chained to the ground, and his wrists were bound together as well. They kicked him, punched him, zapped him, hit him with blunt and sharp objects. All caused pain, suffering, and energon to be painted on the ground. He had lost the energy to even sit, so they beat him on the ground.

He let out a whimper as they did this. Then, the most horrible pain can.

_They aren't coming_, one whispered. The others laughed at that. He slowly shook his helm, earning him a kick to it.

_They don't care about you. You're weak, useless, and stupid. No one would care about you. They are glad you are gone. They probably wanted this._ He whimpered in pain. Even his own spark was in pain.

It wasn't true…was it?

_my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
_

He brought the blade to his wrist joint, where armor didn't protect it. The gleaming blade rested several inches from the energon lines. He was having second thoughts.

Would this be better? Would this end the pain? He made a small cut on one of his energon lines, causing the life-fluid to begin to dribble out. He watched it with morbid curiosity and trance.

He brought the blade over and did the same to his other wrist. Energon dribble out of it as well. It was odd. There was no pain now.

Was this helping? Would this end the pain of the tortures?

He began to think so now.

_do you remember me  
lost for so long  
will you be on the other side  
or will you forget me  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am I too lost to be saved  
am I too lost?  
_

But they had came. They had saved him.

He laid unmoving on the ground. At first, he didn't know what had happened. They had stopped, then silence, then yelling. He whimpered in fear, afraid that they would finally end his life.

But that didn't happen. He had been saved…but what was truly saved? His body or mind?

A form had come closer to his weaken and broken form. He was scared then, not knowing and fearing. The form sunk low next to him, and he whimpered. He would have just screamed there, once a servo had been placed on his shoulder. They had done that to him once, placed a servo on his shoulder, and then they had slash and stabbed at his chasis.

_Bumblebee…Oh Primus,Bumblebee…_ the voice muttered, the words stringing together.

He shuttered his optics on and stared at the blue form of Blurr, kneeling next to him. He began to cry, fear that this wasn't real. They had forgotten.

Blurr reached over and wiped the tears away, murmuring, _Bumblebee…I'mSorry…Bumblebee,PleaseHangOn…_ Then the other began breaking his bonds.

He whimpered again and slowly, his systems shut into stasis.

Blurr watched the other go into stasis and wondered to himself as he slowly and very carefully picked the other up.

Were they too late? Did they lose the other? Could Bumblebee be saved?

He prayed that Bumblebee would be fine. The other meant so much to him. To lose the yellow mech would mean he would lose something so precise to his spark.

Blurr carried the bot away from the dark hell he had been tortured in for so long. They had saved him. Or…that is what he believed.

_my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
_

A puddle of energon stained the berth he was resting on. He stared at it, transfixed. It looked like…

The images of his energon being splattered and sprayed flashed through his processor.

He cried out in remembrance of the pain, dropping the steel blade. It clattered on the berth before falling to the ground below. He brought his hand up to cover his face. Energon soon stained his faceplate and dripped down to his chasis. He had made more cuts to his energon lines, causing more to flow.

The pain. It didn't go away.

He sobbed more, before…his world stopped for a kilk. It was the longest kilk for him. Then…it was like he had gone into a trance of just blank emotions. He bent over his berth and reached down to the ground below. He gripped the blade and sat back up.

He would end the pain. It would all be gone soon enough. No one wanted him here. He was better off dead…hadn't the Decepticons who captured him said that. He positioned the blade over his chest. One command, and it would open up to reveal his spark. He would end the pain.

"I want to die…" he muttered, staring down at the gleaming blade in his hands.

_(Return to me salvation)  
I want to die!_

Blurr had grabbed himself a drink and grabbed Bumblebee one. The yellow mech hadn't been seen much, but that was almost expected. Bumblebee had been tortured, which sicken the speedster's spark most of all. He wanted to be there, forever, with Bumblebee. To protect the other, since he had failed once.

He wouldn't fail again…

He walked to the door and stopped, knocking first. There wasn't an answer.

So, he knocked again, saying as well, "_Bumblebee,It'sMe,Blurr_." Again, there was no answer. The blue mech began to worry. He opened the door, hoping 'Bee wouldn't be mad by that.

Once the door was opened, and Blurr saw what was going on inside, he instantly dropped the drinks.

Bumblebee's chest plate was split, revealing the soft blue glow of his spark. That same glow was being reflected off of a steel blade.

"_Bumblebee…_" Blurr muttered, in a trance. He couldn't stop staring at the scene.

Bumblebee looked over, a blank expression written on his faceplate. Then slowly, he turned his helm back to the blade, bowing it a bit.

"I want to die…"

Then there was a plunge, and a larger cry that echoed in the room and out in the hall.

_my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation_

Blurr had instantly leapt forward, praying that his speed would be on his side once more. It had been.

He had grabbed the blade, but it didn't come out of Bumblebee's hand so easily. There was a second, then the yellow mech struggled.

Bumblebee wanted to end it. End all of the pain.

"Please, Blurr, let me end it…let me go…" he sobbed nearly silently. He was still kneeling on the berth, head bowed down more this time. Tears ran down his cheek and plopped onto the berth.

Blurr looked at the bowed head of the one he cared so much about. He was still gripping the blade. The blue speedster then noticed the cuts on the other's wrist.

"_Bumblebee…_" he whispered in a hush tone, "_Don'tDoThis. Don't…_" He tried to pry the blade away, but it won't budge from the other's hand.

_my wounds cry for the grave  
my soul cries for deliverance  
will I be denied Christ  
tourniquet  
my suicide_

"Why…" Bumblebee whispered to the other, "why can't you let me go…I'm weak, stupid…no one wants me alive…"

It was what Bumblebee thought to be true. He believed it.

How wrong was he.

"_No,Bumblebee…That'sNotTrue. IDon'tWantYouToGo. YouMeanTooMuchToMe. ICan'tLetYouGo_" Blurr said to the other and meant it. A second passed, and the grip on the blade lessened, allowing Blurr to get the blade, which he placed on a counter, far from Bumblebee. He then looked down and saw that the other's chest was still open. He used a finger to nudge it shut, which it did once the yellow mech came to a bit. He then reached into subspace and pulled out a small medical kit he carried. He pulled out a roll of medical tape and began taping the cuts to the energon lines in Bumblebee's wrists.

Though this, Blurr worried. Bumblebee hadn't said anything or really done anything, besides letting go of the blade and shutting his chestplate.

Once he finished with the tape and returned it and the kit to subspace, he whispered, "_Bumblebee…_" He sat down next to the other on the berth. "_Bumblebee,SpeakToMe_…."

The yellow mech slowly collapsed into Blurr's side, sobbing as well, "Blurr…" The word repeated itself over and over. He was so…conflicted. Everything was so confusing and fuzzy. Only moments ago, he knew what he was doing…now, everything was hazy.

Blurr placed an arm around the other and held on, "_Bumblebee,Shush. I'mHere. I'llAlwaysBeHere_." He then began to place soft and caring kisses upon the smaller mech's helm. It hurt his spark to see the other like this. So…broken, almost.

"Why…" whispered out Bumblebee. He wanted to know why the other had stopped him. Why had the other cared so much about him?

Blurr wrapped the other arm around the other, resting his chin on the top of Bumblebee's helm, "_Why? BecauseYouMeanSoMuchToMe. 'tBareToLoseYou_." He then lifted his head and placed another kiss to Bumblebee's helm. The speedster smiled softly at the yellow mech.

The yellow mech slowly looked up at the other. Blurr met his stare. Bumblebee looked so different now, like a mech the speedster didn't know. But he knew why…and he would do all that he could to remind Bumblebee that he was cared about.

Bumblebee looked back down, then relaxed in the other's arms. He rest against the other, the world slowing down a bit.

"You…you do care…" he said absently, wrapping his arms around Blurr. Blurr nodded and held on. He did.

They had been wrong. The Decepticons. Someone had cared. The team cared enough to rescue him. And Blurr…the other cared for him.

For the first time, since before the torture, he smiled. He was glad he hadn't gone through with it. He knew know, this was the better choice.

_(Return to me salvation)  
__(Return to me salvation)_

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Hoped you enjoyed it! Yeah, a little dark for my taste…but whatever. Also, thanks **Invader Kathy Starsky **for the idea!

Anyway…

REVIEW!  
PEACE OUT GIRL SCOUT!


	2. Nightmare

Yeah…school started today! …  
….aww, who am I kidding…it is the frickin' longest day of the year…*headdesk* and guess what that means! Yep, fanfics. aren't going to be updated quickly…great…

Anyway…back on topic…one word: Angst! This is full of it…darn you 'Bee, quite trying to go emo…you can't pull it off! This was another idea by**Invader Kathy Starsky **and 'Hello' by Evanescence fit (well…more like it was the best choice I had)…and I wanted to keep a pattern…  
WARNING! AANNGGSSTT!  
P.S. …listen to the song…

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Transformers and '_Hello_' by Evanescence!

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"_Come on Bumblebee…" called the dark-skinned girl. She was running out of the warehouse and into the bright sun. He had just walked into the main room when she did. A grin spread across his face, and he nodded, heading towards the exit as well. Each step made an echoing sound within the open area. Each step getting closer to the exit…_

_Step… Step…. Step….. Step… Step…. Step….. Step… Step…._

_But each step, it seemed, was not, in fact, getting him any closer to the exit. He began to worry, which then turned into panic. He soon began running. Running for the exit. For his friend…for his life._

_His pace increased, but as did the distance to the exit way. The light beyond it. He kept running._

_Then the chuckling rang out. It attacked his audios, filling himself with panic and dread. _

_They were back. They were back to finish him off._

_As he kept running, something invisible tripped him. He crashed to the ground, skidding to a halt. He paused, then began whimpering. They would attack him, hurt him, and then finally kill him. He began sobbing now._

_Please…don't…please…please don't kill me…please…_

'_Bumblebee…'_

_Please…don't kill me…please…_

'_Bumblebee!'_

_Please…_

_Then everything faded away..._

He could hear himself whimpering, and his optics shuttered on. The first he saw was the worried faceplates of Blurr. He felt the tears run down his cheeks.

"Bumblebee…" Blurr spoke softly to him. He then attached himself to the blue speedster, who responded by wrapping his arms around his from. He sat there, within Blurr's arm, sobbing. He vents were whirling, trying to keep up with him. It sometimes felt like there was no air in them.

"Bumblebee… _TalkToMe. WhatIsWrong_?" Blurr asked him while rubbing his backplates. But he just continued to sob uncontrollably. "Bumblebee…"

_Playground school bell rings again  
__Rain clouds come to play again  
__Has no one told you she's not breathing?  
__Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to  
__Hello_

He continued to sob within Blurr's arms for what seemed like hours, but it just seemed long to him. The nightmare kept attacking him, plaguing his memories, his thoughts. All of him.

"Bumblebee…" Blurr said with a calm and soothing voice, "_LookAtMe_." It seemed to do the trick, and he unburied his face from Blurr's shoulder. The watery optics met the speedster's worried optics. Then a soft smile spread across Blurr's faceplate and he murmured, "Ssshhh… _It'llBeAlright. NothingWillGetYou. ISwearToIt_."

He wanted to believe it. He really did…but he didn't fully. He felt like this was all just a dream. A dream, then he would wake up back in that hell.

He then bowed his head, tears falling from his optics and landing on Blurr's chasis. The other pulled him closer, resting the top of his head under Blurr's chin. He felt weak, helpless…broken. But was he really? He didn't know the answer.

More tears kept coming, and Blurr kept muttering small words of comfort and 'ssshhhh'-ing him.

"_I'mHereBee_. _I'mHereAndNothingWillGetYou_. _Don'tCry_."

He sniffed once, then twice. Tears slowing down. He still had his arms tightly around the other. He continued now to just rest against the other, sniffing softly. Blurr continued to murmur soft words and rub his backplates.

_If I smile and don't believe  
__Soon I know I'll wake from this dream  
__Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken  
__Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide  
__Don't cry_

After resting more against the other, he felt his optics slowly shutter off, and recharge take a hold of his systems.

He guessed that Blurr had fallen asleep after him, since when he awoke later on, the speedster was asleep. He watched the other sleep. So peacefully. How he craved for that peace, but the nightmares and pain still haunted him. He wanted them to go away. To leave him alone.

He rested closer against the other's chestplate, staring off into space. He knew he couldn't sleep now. He figured he wouldn't be able to now, since the nightmares would just haunt him.

A small sigh escaped him. He was still here, but his memories and mind was of the yesterdays. They wouldn't leave the pain.

_Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping  
__Hello, I'm still here  
__All that's left of yesterday_

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Tada…the angst of 'Bee…and yes, more or less the song did inspire most of this fic.  
I think I am getting darker as I continue to write for both BeexBlurr and BeexWasp…*shrugs* who knows…  
Thanks again **Invader Kathy Starsky**!

REVIEW!  
PEACE OUT GIRL SCOUT!


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